A Year in Auditions

Having seen the “Year in Status Update” app on the facebooks, I got to thinking. And what that thinking thunked was this sampling of the best character breakdowns I auditioned for in 2010. I’m sure something can be learnt from this. This is either an advertisement or self-flagellation. Either way, it’s a great living.

· Should be great with subtle comedy. OPen to looks from normal to Charactery/gangly/quirky/nerdy.

· Caucasian Male, 25-35 years old, real with character to very character..everyman,sensitive,lovable,intelligent but a slightly clueless ADHD archetype. From Luke Wilson to John Krasinski.

· Average everyday engineer types.

· Interesting faces, expressive, a quiet nature. Strong actors. Must be comfortable with handling animals (an elk).

· Slightly more studious type with a quirky vibe. May wear glasses. Hair could be thinning.

· is a bit of a neat freak, not to mention a perfectionist. He is super eager and enthusiastic about his job at ---- (maybe sometimes too much so...)
Sometimes he takes himself a little too seriously and tries a little too hard.

· Awkward, unique, weird, bizarre, distinct, memorable face and physical characteristics. No lines. It's all about the look.
(he's the guy we've caught stealing leftovers from the office fridge).

· ICONIC ROLE. (Think: Geico Caveman, Sprint Spokesman, etc.) Talent must be supremely confident and likable at the same time. He must have a BIG personality, and he has to be FEARLESS. He should have STAR QUALITY and of course, he should be very FUNNY. COMIC actor with the dexterity and the versatility of a "character actor". He should have the magnetism of a star, brimming with self-confidence, but never off-putting. This could be a star-making turn for the right actor. THINK: Will Ferrell, but it's essential that this not become the "the guy trying to impersonate Will Ferrell". Classic iconic television SPOKESPERSON. Wardrobe: Business attire and EXTREME weather gear with Furry Hat, as one would wear while WOOD CHOPPING

· We’re looking for a character who can suffer all sorts of indignities and humiliation with calm and poise. He’s a bit of a dreamer, but also completely pragmatic in how he goes about attaining his dreams.

· He's FUNNY!! Someone that is distinctive and full of character, definitely in personality but also in look. NOT good looking American guys but more British. Stand out appeal, memorable characters. Definitely quirky and off beat. He's NOT bland! NO Squared jaws. NO models

· They are orderlies in a mental institution who look like they have lived outside of mainstream society for a while. They're kind of outcasts, like petri dish researchers. They have outdated fashion senses, bad haircuts, and complexions that show they possibly have a vitamin D deficiency. We're looking for a complimentary pair, so interesting character and body types are welcome.

· Needs to be able to sell a moment/quirkiness with a minor expression, that is NOT I REPEAT NOT over the top. [BOOKED THIS ONE]

· a sort of inquisitive yet affable Paul Rudd-type, must be the definition of restraint,tempering his obvious frustration so as to not make a scene (because nobody wants to be the crazy guy yelling at the counter about value meals). He's still your everyman that we can identify with who all of a sudden finds himself in a very awkward 'Larry David-type' situation.

· he needs to stick out, whether he's super tall, or small, or weird, or just super funny... something different about this guy.

· old worlde faces - pissed off sick of the war

· Not Overweight. SKINNY..We are looking for very very thin white legs....He may work at Kinko's..night shift..HE MUST HOP ON ONE LEG

· Likeable and real. [BOOKED THIS ONE]

· REAL TO SLIGHT CHARACTER LOOKING, INTERESTING FACE. A BIT OF A KUNCKLEHEAD...SOME PEOPLE WOULD CALL HIM 'SLOW'. HE THINKS DUMB STUNTS ARE A GOOD IDEA. GOOD ACTOR, GOOD SUBTLE FACIAL REACTIONS. [BOOKED THE HELL OUT OF THIS ONE]

· real with character to very character....He looks conservative and turns into Mr. & Mrs Smith.

· He looks tired worn out and sick A regular guy who looks, unremarkable aside from possessing a sort of "Victim in waiting" quality while going about his daily business!! Early 30's, Any Ethnicity; slightly nerdy, IT guy.

· AVERAGE TO NICE LOOKING "ENGINEER" TYPE. SHOULD LOOK INTELLIGENT & SCHOLARLY. A TOUCH NERDY IS OK.

· A bit off, quirky. Dwight from The Office. Mr. Know It All. Never worked anywhere else. Creed is another Office reference that would work well. He's a character.

· All Ethnicity Male, 28-44 years old, Real with character to very very character...Quirky, oddball,Great Comedy person..All shapes and sizes

· A likeable lanky, loveable slightly goofy mid 30's guy in a business suit. Think a younger Greg Kinnear type or maybe Ross from Friends, unlucky in love and hoping to find "the one".

· Guy in his mid 20's who is a super lanky, skinny, stringbeany. Should be a good comedic actor. He is looking in the mirror, flexing his muscles, trying to look beefy, but he is so skinny it's just not working. He will have to eat a burger.

· think 50's b movie scientist

· This guy should have great comedy chops, interesting facial expressions, expressive eyes. He can be a bit wimpy looking. Not too good looking or odd looking either.

· Interesting, Weird Magician type guys.

· Unique, intelligent face. BOBBY FISCHER, (ACTUAL CHESS CHAMPION), is the correct reference here. EASTERN EUROPEAN / SLAVIC / RUSSIAN looking. Angular, classic features, with some element that is almost 'romanesque', (as in how Fischer had a very distinctive nose, with full, cherub-like lips.) Intense gaze. & PRESENCE.

· **NEED SOME ONE MORE SLIGHT IN STATURE SO THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL LOOKS MORE UNATTAINABLE. SHOULD NOT GOOFY CHARACTER.GOOD COMEDY REACTIONS DON'T SUBMIT ANYONE YOU SUBMITTED IN THE OTHER NERDY PART. KEEP THEM SLIGHT IN BUILD.Wardrobe:MUST DRESS AND LOOK LIKE A NERD/GEEK - SLICKED HAIR, DARK RIMED GLASSES, PENS IN POCKET- IT'S A 5 SECOND SHOT SO THEIR LOOK HAS TO READ INSTANTLY. […..YEAH. BOOKED THE TARNATION OUTTA THIS ONE.]

· Outdoor fisherman-type of guy. Masculine.

· Interesting faces. Friendly, but seems serious. Average looking, guy next door type. Must be great with cats and not have cat allergies.

· A little timid, doesn’t always speak up for himself and often nervous in social setting. Is typically the butt of his friend’s jokes, but is well liked. He is generally the guy that if something bad or unlucky is going to happen, it happens to him. Think Michael Cera.

· There's a sparkle in his eye and something unusual in his pocket.

· 20s, a creepy weirdo preoccupied with death, in particular, the Boston Strangler slayings. He has made his apartment a shrine to the Boston Strangler, and becomes a chief suspect in the recent murders. Brought in for questioning, -----, creepily, offers to confess if the cops just let him loose in the morgue...1 speech & 1 line, 2 scenes

· A quirky/charactery looking guy in his late 20s to late 30s, he's listed as number one on -------'s "20 Most Bangable Bachelors" list, so ------ stakes him out and has sex with him to find out what makes him so fantastic in bed...Nice costar

My Giant Squid Encounter (Capital One)

This is the story of how I landed one of the coolest jobs I ever had: being violated repeatedly by a giant squid on national television. Long gone are the days when a commercial actor could count on 2 or 3 jobs being able to pay for a year of life as an actor. This spring, it took me seven jobs just to survive until July. So I am long overdue in telling the tale of the job that brought me out of debt for the first time in almost fifteen years.

Let's start at the beginning, with the audition. It was a holiday, Presidents' Day or something, and for the first time in a few years I was sick. Nothing horrible, I've handled much worse. But it was bad enough for my roommate to insist on driving me to Santa Monica and back. I did the Emergen-C, the multivitamin, Jamba Juice with an energy boost, a little bit of crack...whatever it took to stand up. Delivering the lines would require some Divine assistance.

The first audition is usually you and the session director, running the camera and walking you through the blocking and the denoument. (Did I just remember a word from college? And did I spell it right?) A stuffed snake was clipped to a C-stand (that's Industry-speak for 'metal thingy.') Obviously you can't rehearse that whole upside-down part of the ad, so the auditioners wrapped the snake around our faces for the famous "What's in your wallet?" line. As for the callback, I read for a different commercial in the same campaign. But I read that line the exact same way. That's the one bit of advice I could pass on to others after this process. Don't give them your own brilliant interpretation of their campaign. It's not "What's IN your wallet?" It's "What's in your wallet?" Not too hard, not too soft, just a bit of emphasis on your. The ad agency and writers spent a long time coming up with their slogan, and they've already pored over every possible way to deliver the line. You, as the actor, are the empty vessel who is there to deliver the goods exactly as they and the director envisioned. Coke is IT. I LOVE this game.

A couple more days pass, and I have a second callback. Usually, this happens when they are down to 2 actors whom they both like, but just can't decide on. This time, it was a stunt callback. I drove north into the Simi Valley to the stunt coordinator's home, and strapped myself into a flying harness in his studio-sized "garage." They wanted to make sure I could handle doing a few flips and hanging upside-down without wigging out. No prob.

A couple of weeks later, we started a 1-day, 1-night shoot at Paramount Studios. First night was for the interiors of the Nautilus-inspired sub. I was First Mate Roderick to the Captain, played by Rick Overton. I learned on set that the shoots had been marred by several snafus. I wanted to bring some good Mojo to the set and help change misfortunes. I accomplished this by puking twice after coming down from the harness.

I was strapped into a vest with wires running down my pant legs and attached with Velcro to my ankles, and then strung up from a pulley 20 feet above. A guy on set puled me up and down on the pulley as I flailed around trying to pull levers for the good captain. I wore two wool sweaters, sandwiching the vest, plus an undershirt that I sweated through in about a minute. I was then wrapped up in the giant foam tentacle, furnished by the Stan Winston folks. (I may always regret not grabbing that souvenir!) Luckily, I had to be drenched with water before every take, so I never got too hot.


I had to lay on the floor after pinning the tentacle to my person, and then they could lift me up feet-first on the harness. We soon learned several valuable lessons. First, I could not hang and be jerked around upside-down for more than about three minutes. Well, I could. It was just the going back down and standing right side up that caused the problems. So early on, I lost half my breakfast. Bravo to the crew for the convenient trash can.

I went back up to my "one position," that is, hanging out like Batman again. This is the part when we learned what a great idea it was to slime up the squid and drench me with water before hanging upside-down. Sliming the squid involved brushing the foam with a clear, thick goo that is the thickening agent used in fast food milkshakes. And I will never, ever have another fast-food milkshake. But brushing that stuff and then spraying it and me down with water caused this crud to go straigh up--uh--down my nose. And that's when I lost the rest of my breakfast. I took a few minutes off, popped a couple of Pepto and was ready to rock the waves again. At lunch, I played it safe with a salad and a couple slices of bread. Had no idea where my energy would come from, but I got through the rest of the day with no incidents and plenty of laughs.

Part two of the shoot came two nights later in the "tank" at Paramount. The tank is a section of parking lot which is about three feet lower than the rest of the lot. Pipes fill it with water, and a neighboring building is a solid wall that can be painted to suit the production. (I believe this is where the end of The Truman Show was filmed.) This night really brought it all home what a huge production it was. The Nautilus was in the middle of the tank and the director, cinematographer, and a few others camped out on an island in the middle of the water. Giant fans sprayed water onto the set as three men in jet skis went in circles in each corner of the tank to create the waves. The noise generated by all of these things going on at once was enough to make it very difficult to hear the director through a megaphone only 20 feet away. Upon seeing all of these things in action during a rehearsal, I realized the good old-fashioned movie-making I was a part of. Old school effects and techniques followed by weeks of post-production CGI effects that I'd see only when it aired.

It was one of the most physically demanding acting jobs I've ever had, and it was months later when I had the pleasure of pointing, clicking, and oh my Gaw paying off my Capital One card! Yes, I've got one. And I'm hoping when I go and use the Card Lab myself, I can use a picture of Roderick in all his slimy glory.

Lloyd's BBQ is so yummy, I'd eat it cold. Off the floor. In a bear's house.